Well at least I think so. Since T got back from his winter vacation he hasn't talked to me much. He may just be busy. I don't know. Maybe I'm making too big of a deal over this. I did say we were just starting after all. Maybe it's just too much too soon. And there really isn't anything going on, just harmless flirting. Anyway he was on his way home and it was snowing pretty hard when we talked. I asked him about the Toronto Path, the underground walkway he takes on the way home. Usually he would say more but now, nothing. Hmmm.I really should stop wondering. It is what it is, no need to overanalyze. We're not anything, after all.
C and I talked yesterday about random Tiger Woods stuff. He said after this he's going to try to work for the rodeo after this. Might be a big thing. His schedule is going to be crazy... pre-dawn to sundown, so I guess he's not messaging any time soon. Anyway, one technique I learned to cope with C and his erratic messages is a) Just focus on other people, b) Not wait for him to message, c) Not take it personally when he doesn't reply back. After all, it probably means he fell asleep or got busy. Like I said, unnecessary drama because at the end of the day, C will always come back to me and message eventually.
Sorry, it was a slow day at work so I can't stop thinking about these things. I should really stop flirting with guys and expecting something. I did say I just wanted to be friends, after all.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Monday, January 27, 2014
A Tale of Two Potentials
I've mentioned in my other blog that I have a new crush. His name is T and he's a manager for an electric company in Canada. I met T a couple of days ago when he messaged me on this online dating site I go to. Right away there was something about T... he was surprisingly open right off the bat and at first it seemed like he didn't really intend on flirting with me. Most guys you know right away about t hese things. Anyway, T was really attentive and friendly, which really surprised me since it's only been a few days. I haven't talked to anyone new like this since J. Not in this vein... He's really generous with saying that I'm very beautiful and that he likes talking to me because I'm very smart. He wants me to go to Canada to visit and he even sort of said he's going to go here. We have a standing agreement to trade services with each other, driving for legal advice. He offered sooo... I told him not to complain. EVER. Hahaha!
I like talking to him. A LOT. So much so that I feel guilt pangs when I talk to him and not to C. I mean, I'm not cheating or whatever. There's nothing to cheat on. C and I are just friends. I like talking to C and I really think there could be something there. When I think of not being able to talk with him ever, I feel really sad. I really think he's the Dexter to my Emma. Not that it would turn out into a happy/tragic ending between us, I really can't tell right now with him blowing hot and cold. He sent me a picture earlier of the 16th Hole, where he's be working come Monday. I really am interested in the stuff he's doing so it's lovely to get pictures from him. I miss him when we don't get to talk every day but then I think the key to staying sane with C is to not expect anything and act cool. It's that simple. If he's there then he's there. Eventually he's going to reach out when the mood strikes him. You can't really force a guy to do anything. Furthermore, if he wants to go to Manila he will. I don't need to badger him about it and wait. I will try not to wait. I shouldn't give away anything that isn't asked of me so I won't devote myself to C. We're just friends. No big deal.
Sometimes I wonder how I should handle this thing I have with T and C. I feel like every time T does something nice for me it's a point for him. In my head, I have somehow made it into a competition for my affection. For T, maybe. It's gotten to a point where I know he likes me in that way. He's very flirty and he even mentioned future smart babies. (I know!) C would never say anything of the sort, although we've touched on parenting styles and all that. One of the more interesting conversations I've had with C is about fidelity and cheating and our attitude about commitment. I'm very traditional and he seems to be alright with it. T and I haven't talked about anything like that. He doesn't even know my biggest "baggage" a.k.a lack of relationship experience.
I understand C better now. Why he didn't walk away from me when he got a new girlfriend a few months back... it's so hard to walk away from THIS. It's just nice to have him around, you know? The biggest regret I will have is if he never goes here and we never get to do what we planned. No matter how it plays out I at least want to have done that. I wish I could tell him. Or that it crosses his mind somehow. I'm sure he'll want to push through with it this year. Otherwise, I just might go to the US next year so I finally know. I can't not know anymore. I feel like if I don't at least get to kiss him once in my sorry life I will regret it and look back even if this thing with T goes somewhere.
On the other hand, my thing with T is also interesting. It's unfolding fast and in a completely different direction. No, I don't think we're friends. He seems to like me and it's very very flattering.
I like talking to him. A LOT. So much so that I feel guilt pangs when I talk to him and not to C. I mean, I'm not cheating or whatever. There's nothing to cheat on. C and I are just friends. I like talking to C and I really think there could be something there. When I think of not being able to talk with him ever, I feel really sad. I really think he's the Dexter to my Emma. Not that it would turn out into a happy/tragic ending between us, I really can't tell right now with him blowing hot and cold. He sent me a picture earlier of the 16th Hole, where he's be working come Monday. I really am interested in the stuff he's doing so it's lovely to get pictures from him. I miss him when we don't get to talk every day but then I think the key to staying sane with C is to not expect anything and act cool. It's that simple. If he's there then he's there. Eventually he's going to reach out when the mood strikes him. You can't really force a guy to do anything. Furthermore, if he wants to go to Manila he will. I don't need to badger him about it and wait. I will try not to wait. I shouldn't give away anything that isn't asked of me so I won't devote myself to C. We're just friends. No big deal.
Sometimes I wonder how I should handle this thing I have with T and C. I feel like every time T does something nice for me it's a point for him. In my head, I have somehow made it into a competition for my affection. For T, maybe. It's gotten to a point where I know he likes me in that way. He's very flirty and he even mentioned future smart babies. (I know!) C would never say anything of the sort, although we've touched on parenting styles and all that. One of the more interesting conversations I've had with C is about fidelity and cheating and our attitude about commitment. I'm very traditional and he seems to be alright with it. T and I haven't talked about anything like that. He doesn't even know my biggest "baggage" a.k.a lack of relationship experience.
I understand C better now. Why he didn't walk away from me when he got a new girlfriend a few months back... it's so hard to walk away from THIS. It's just nice to have him around, you know? The biggest regret I will have is if he never goes here and we never get to do what we planned. No matter how it plays out I at least want to have done that. I wish I could tell him. Or that it crosses his mind somehow. I'm sure he'll want to push through with it this year. Otherwise, I just might go to the US next year so I finally know. I can't not know anymore. I feel like if I don't at least get to kiss him once in my sorry life I will regret it and look back even if this thing with T goes somewhere.
On the other hand, my thing with T is also interesting. It's unfolding fast and in a completely different direction. No, I don't think we're friends. He seems to like me and it's very very flattering.
A Moment of Honesty
I think I've forgotten the feeling of what it was to not have butterflies in the stomach. I wake up every morning feeling happy and hopeful that I would speak to him and that I would hear something funny or sweet from him. Anything he says just seems so fascinating and fun and smart. When he mentions a movie or a book or a show I want to look for it so I can have more in common with him. And we have a lot of stuff in common already. I can talk about him and the things he likes and doesn't like the whole day. Yeah, even I scare myself. I don't want to come off as some stalker. It has gotten to a point that people I normally gush to are sick and tired of me telling stories about him. I think he would blush if he knew how enthusiastic I feel about him. I wonder if he's the same about me?
I just wonder why things other people do that irritate me to no end are alright when he does it. Like spelling and grammar. I'm a huge grammar nazi but it's something cute when he does it wrong. Like when he misspelled ___ again. Adorbs. :)
He told me recently in not so many words that I am special. More special than Boardwalk Empire. Totally heartwarming. :) Yes you are special to me too. 20 days until the end of 2013 and then it's the year when we could finally meet. I can't wait!
--
I hate how every time my phone beeps with an email or whatsapp message my breath catches and I hope that it's you. I hate that it hasn't been true for a week now. I wonder where you've gone? Is wondering clingy? You can't really blame me for that after we've been so close the past couple of weeks and you shared with me your plans of meeting this year. My bestfriend tells me to be patient and wait for you to reach out to me. I am trying so hard to not text but I fail miserably, I just miss our connection so much. I wonder why you don't? Is this all one sided? At first I was annoyed but now I'm just anxious to know how you are. You're probably just busy with work and pre-employment stuff. I get it. And even if you just didn't feel like talking I shouldn't hold it against you, I know New Year's isn't your fave holiday, for personal reasons. It just hurts to have your world revolve around someone who doesn't give a shit. I feel very vulnerable and confused about the whole nonrelationship relationship we have going here, I really hope we resolve things this year. You don't know how eager I am to just KNOW with certainty if this can progress beyond a crush or penpals. On the one hand, I know we can't say anything for certain without meeting yet and this just kills me... I hate running around in circles.
I just wonder why things other people do that irritate me to no end are alright when he does it. Like spelling and grammar. I'm a huge grammar nazi but it's something cute when he does it wrong. Like when he misspelled ___ again. Adorbs. :)
He told me recently in not so many words that I am special. More special than Boardwalk Empire. Totally heartwarming. :) Yes you are special to me too. 20 days until the end of 2013 and then it's the year when we could finally meet. I can't wait!
--
I hate how every time my phone beeps with an email or whatsapp message my breath catches and I hope that it's you. I hate that it hasn't been true for a week now. I wonder where you've gone? Is wondering clingy? You can't really blame me for that after we've been so close the past couple of weeks and you shared with me your plans of meeting this year. My bestfriend tells me to be patient and wait for you to reach out to me. I am trying so hard to not text but I fail miserably, I just miss our connection so much. I wonder why you don't? Is this all one sided? At first I was annoyed but now I'm just anxious to know how you are. You're probably just busy with work and pre-employment stuff. I get it. And even if you just didn't feel like talking I shouldn't hold it against you, I know New Year's isn't your fave holiday, for personal reasons. It just hurts to have your world revolve around someone who doesn't give a shit. I feel very vulnerable and confused about the whole nonrelationship relationship we have going here, I really hope we resolve things this year. You don't know how eager I am to just KNOW with certainty if this can progress beyond a crush or penpals. On the one hand, I know we can't say anything for certain without meeting yet and this just kills me... I hate running around in circles.
2014 Goals
For this year, I promised myself the following resolutions:
1. Less planning, more doing
2. Lose two dress sizes by eating healthy, exercising more
3. Travel more
4. Be more reflective
5. Save money (for more traveling)
-------
I also want to be more in control of my feelings this year and to not fall into my common problem of disappearing into guys I like. I should stop over thinking stuff and be more zen about this whole friendship I have with guys who aren't my boyfriend. Really. C doesn't owe me shit. I don't obsess with girlfriends not keeping in touch everyday so why should I expect him to? I should just trust in the universe more and not doubt God has a plan for me. It's not like me to worry.
1. Less planning, more doing
2. Lose two dress sizes by eating healthy, exercising more
3. Travel more
4. Be more reflective
5. Save money (for more traveling)
-------
I also want to be more in control of my feelings this year and to not fall into my common problem of disappearing into guys I like. I should stop over thinking stuff and be more zen about this whole friendship I have with guys who aren't my boyfriend. Really. C doesn't owe me shit. I don't obsess with girlfriends not keeping in touch everyday so why should I expect him to? I should just trust in the universe more and not doubt God has a plan for me. It's not like me to worry.
A Flirtationship
Does this sound familiar to you?
"So what's a flirtationship? It's a close friend of yours, who you're somehow attracted to, can tell them anything without being embarrassed and can easily enjoy flirting with without it being awkward. Does that person exist in your life? Think about it!" -- (http://www.fustany.com/en/lifestyle/love--relationships/the-rules-of-flirtationship)
Uh-oh. I thought so.
On the bright side, I thank you Internet for letting me know what to label this. :P It isn't really a bad thing. I enjoy having my happy crush very much. :) So LDC, keep it up! I think this flirtationship thing is going well.
"So what's a flirtationship? It's a close friend of yours, who you're somehow attracted to, can tell them anything without being embarrassed and can easily enjoy flirting with without it being awkward. Does that person exist in your life? Think about it!" -- (http://www.fustany.com/en/lifestyle/love--relationships/the-rules-of-flirtationship)
Uh-oh. I thought so.
On the bright side, I thank you Internet for letting me know what to label this. :P It isn't really a bad thing. I enjoy having my happy crush very much. :) So LDC, keep it up! I think this flirtationship thing is going well.
Questions I've Always Wanted to Ask
Dear LDC,
Okay, it's the moment of truth. At the most opportune time, expect me to ask you the following questions, honed from my experience in the field of journalism (5Ws and 1 H):
1. Do you think about me as often as I think about you?
2. Do you miss me when you don't hear from me?
3. Do you find yourself wondering what I'm doing in the middle of the day?
4. Am I the last person you think about at night?
5. Do you find me attractive? Hot? Pretty? (Be honest. Maybe just in the objective sense?)
6. Do you think we will ever meet?
7. If we do meet, do you think we will click?
8. Do you like me, even just a bit?
9. Have you ever considered an US? (Like that time in the beginning when we were just flirting with each other on ym)
10. Why did you stop calling me cute nicknames?
11. Do you think THIS whole LDR thing could work?
12. What is this? Are we friends? Friends with potential? Forever penpals?
13. Do you get jealous when I talk to you about other guys?
14. Do you think I'm clingy?
15. Does the whole inexperienced/adorkable spinster lawyer shtick work for you?
16. On that note, do you think I'm weird?
17. What do you see us being in a year? In 5 years? (As friends, OK? Don't freak out.)
18. When do you know it's over?
19. Are we cool? After we talk about this whole non-relationship thing can we move past this?
20. Is there anything you want to ask me?
(OK, this will be edited. And deleted. Haha! I'm such a dork.)
Okay, it's the moment of truth. At the most opportune time, expect me to ask you the following questions, honed from my experience in the field of journalism (5Ws and 1 H):
1. Do you think about me as often as I think about you?
2. Do you miss me when you don't hear from me?
3. Do you find yourself wondering what I'm doing in the middle of the day?
4. Am I the last person you think about at night?
5. Do you find me attractive? Hot? Pretty? (Be honest. Maybe just in the objective sense?)
6. Do you think we will ever meet?
7. If we do meet, do you think we will click?
8. Do you like me, even just a bit?
9. Have you ever considered an US? (Like that time in the beginning when we were just flirting with each other on ym)
10. Why did you stop calling me cute nicknames?
11. Do you think THIS whole LDR thing could work?
12. What is this? Are we friends? Friends with potential? Forever penpals?
13. Do you get jealous when I talk to you about other guys?
14. Do you think I'm clingy?
15. Does the whole inexperienced/adorkable spinster lawyer shtick work for you?
16. On that note, do you think I'm weird?
17. What do you see us being in a year? In 5 years? (As friends, OK? Don't freak out.)
18. When do you know it's over?
19. Are we cool? After we talk about this whole non-relationship thing can we move past this?
20. Is there anything you want to ask me?
(OK, this will be edited. And deleted. Haha! I'm such a dork.)
Tuesday, January 07, 2014
2014: A Year of Travel and Adventure
Yesterday I booked tickets to Japan for April 3 to 10 and the day before that, plane tickets to Puerto Princesa for Jan. 31 to .Feb. 2. Sooo excited for the coming days! I think I truly am alive when looking forward to traveling, to tell you honestly. The last time I traveled was March last year when Dhanice and I went to Siem Reap and Bangkok. This time I will be going with Bodee and Lei to Japan. Some parts of the trip I will be backpacking by myself so I can't really bring any heavy bags. I'm really nervous about the whole thing but I've so wanted to go to Japan for so long! Here's hoping my Japanese skills will come back to me and the years I watched anime will be useful for something. :) Right now I am planning and researching for things to do, places to see. (My goal for this year is less planning and more doing. So far so good!)
Next, I will book tickets to Sydney to visit my brother and his family for mid-June so I have to figure things out. :)
Next, I will book tickets to Sydney to visit my brother and his family for mid-June so I have to figure things out. :)
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